Can I Get a Dose of Christmas Spirit STAT

I feel like Charlie Brown this year. I know I should be excited, Christmas is a mere 4 days away, but I’m feeling a bit depressed.

Illnesses in the family seem to be part of it. My aunt on my dad’s side is fighting lymphoma and not faring too well. If that wasn’t bad enough, we suddenly lost Sean’s first cousin this weekend. She was in remission after beating breast cancer, and when we saw her at Thanksgiving, she was her usual self. Then Friday we get the call that she’s relapsed and in the ICU with failing liver and kidneys. Yesterday she passed away.

I had the best intentions of having a handmade Christmas this year, making presents and really putting time and thought into them. Thing after thing came up and last Thursday found Sean and me at the mall trying to get through our list as quickly as possible. My idealized Christmas card and newsletter turned into a rushed picture and a Walgreens template.

I have no kids, therefore I should have no excuse not to be Martha Stewart, right? Yet I stamp this year as a fail.

Is it the stage of life I’m at right now? I’m no longer a child, there is no longer the magic that the season brought to me every year. When I was young it seemed like there was snow and beautiful skies every time we went to get our Christmas tree. I wasn’t responsible for getting gifts for everyone, I just made my wish list to Santa from the American Girl catalog and dreamed of what I’d get. There seemed to be so much time. Now I’m balancing a full time job, a fledgling part time business, a home, two cats, and a husband who still needs to know that I love and cherish him. Where is the time? Where is the magic? Suddenly I’m responsible for making both.

Recently I’ve had one time of really feeling the Christmas season. It was at the company Christmas party on Friday. All of my coworkers brought their families, Santa made an appearance (and this year we had an awesome Santa), and all the kids got a present. Seeing their faces light up as Santa made his entrance and called out their names one by one, it was all joy and happiness. No stresses, no deadlines, just celebrating the holidays with families and our 9-5:30 family. It made me want to have a child, someone to remind me of the magic and for me to create that season for.

Is that what it takes to bring back the magic? Is there the lull in between becoming an adult and becoming a parent where Christmas seems to fade?

Sadly, I’m letting the depression affect my spirituality at the same time. I’ve been to church once this month. In my defense it would have been twice if 10 inches of snow hadn’t canceled it yesterday. I’ve let life and stress overshadow my childlike faith. I need a Linus on my shoulder to remind me about the true meaning of Christmas.

“And there were shepherds, in this same country, abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And the angel of the Lord came upon them and said, ‘Fear not: for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger.’ And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly hosts, praising God and saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, goodwill toward men.’

That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.”

limus